The Best Kind of Love!
There are many things to know,
like years may come and years may go.
But sail your ship straight and true.
And your courage; the wind, will see you through.
Give unconditional love – it will move you on,
when you give it away like it’s never gone.
It will keep on giving,
if neither runs away,
A great way of living,
when done day by day.
Share a committed heart and you will say,
It’s the best kind of love.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Want A Better Relationship?
There are many reasons why personal change is difficult. However, when it comes to making your marriage or other relationships better, false starts and superficial gestures will not get it done! The foundation of relationship success is built on the commitment of the people involved to consistent positive effort –that takes individual character!
Regardless of which one of you is responsible for a particular issue, ultimately both of you must be willing to look at yourselves honestly and own your contribution to the problems you share.
If you remain defensive and inaccessible, your relationship is not going to improve. Continuing to blame, resent or avoid the other will get you absolutely nowhere. Negativity is a mental dis-ease. Obsessing about who’s wrong, leaves your focus 180 degrees off the mark!
The only thing you get to change is you! While you’re waiting for the other to make the first move, which often turns into a mutual stand off, neither of you is doing anything about your contribution to the status quo. One of you must begin making some efforts toward resolution or tomorrow is going to be exactly like today.
Ask yourself, “What is going on inside of me that is not OK? That’s where your attention needs to be. When there’s clear evidence that you care enough about your relationship to do all you can to take care of it by identifying what you are responsible for and owning that, then your partner may begin to respond in kind.
If you’re waiting for this to be easy, don’t hold your breath. Neither of you feels safe and you’re already suffering, aren’t you? So begin now to do all you can to make things better! If you don’t, a significant amount of your pain will continue to be self-inflicted. Take a deep breath, reach way down for courage and step beyond your fear of disappointment. Progress only becomes possible when at least one of you is treating the other with respect and appreciation.
Override your tendency to avoid difficult relationship moments. Step beyond your procrastination and truly show up for your significant other, eager to understand what they’re feeling! Don’t fix them – listen! If you have hurt them, apologize. Do that and open the door to new possibilities. Whether or not your effort is reciprocated, every time you act in this way, you win by honoring yourself!
“To Love Is To Give!!!”
Are You Making A List and Checking It Twice
With only ten days until Christmas, shopping for presents is on everyone’s minds. What’s on your list?
“To love is to give!” The question is – give what, to whom, when and for that matter why give at all?
May I suggest that the first person you consider giving to is you! After all, you are the source of all you give to others. The meaning and quality of your giving to others emerges from the content of your own heart.
Treat yourself with respect, kindness and patience. Be compassionate with yourself and forgive your human imperfections. No one is perfect. Work hard at the things that matter, especially your interpersonal relationships. Treat yourself with the kind of love you want to receive. The more of that you develop within, the more you’ll have to give to others!
There are many ways to give to yourself but start here. It is a giant step in the right direction. Making life work is an inside job.
Learn to take yourself into your own heart and then share that with others – it’s the best gift you can give!!!
Happy Holidays To You and Your Family!
Thanks Mom!
Many people of the baby boom generation have lost one or both parents as I have. Others soon will and are trying to figure out how to provide them with the best possible end of life experience while still struggling with long-standing, unresolved issues. Regardless of your age, I highly recommend doing all you can to work through any unfinished business that weighs heavily in your heart.
We all experience problems in childhood that are the source of most dysfunctional relationships later in life. These patterns tend to intrude in one way or another, impacting our current relationships because they are the result of emotional wounds and unmet needs from those early years.
The willingness to work on ourselves is the key to interpersonal freedom and healthy love! This includes learning how to forgive our parents for childhood injuries – real and perceived. When it comes to the end of our parents’ lives there is a great pay off from this work for them and for ourselves.
As essential preparation for my profession, I have done the work I speak of. Allow me to share a glimpse into my own experience with my mother’s recent death and how my work paid off for my mother and me.
During the last year or so since my father’s death, I visited my mom multiple times per week to help her grieve, feel assured that she was loved and see to her well-being. One afternoon about six months ago, our visit began as usual. On this day however, we started sharing feelings about what really mattered in life – mainly love based relationships – including our own! Like almost everyone, my relationship with my parents had not always been rewarding for any of us, so I recognized that a very special moment was at hand.
Realizing there would not be many more opportunities to capture such an intimate conversation with my mother, I began video taping it with my phone. Mom was 90, had Alzheimer’s, COPD and a history of cancer. Remarkably to that point her physical decline remained slow, but I knew time was running out.
The purely loving nature of the relationship we shared, apparent in the many hours spent together during the past year and obvious in that conversation was my reward for learning how to love my mother unconditionally. My mother’s reward was having a son who was able to dedicate himself to her with a full heart, making sure she felt loved and cared for till her last breath.
The opportunity to learn about life, to grow emotionally and to love, continues for each of us until the end of life. Whether it’s an experience like I’m sharing with you now or one where either we or someone we love becomes negative and defensive, it is precisely in such challenging moments that we may mature. While working on our emotional selves is the hardest thing most of us ever learn to do – nothing pays bigger rewards!
Late in May my mother’s health took a serious downturn. I arrived to find her near death. I sat next to her stroking her head. She could no longer speak and her eyes remained closed, but when I said “Mom I’m here,” her fragile hand found mine slowly taking it to her lips.
A couple of days later, sitting alone with her, I saw the signs of her dying accelerate rapidly. “Mom, I love you, Karen loves you, Ellie loves you and we will love you forever! We’re OK – so when you are ready, you can go.” A few breaths later she died peacefully.
I am so grateful for a lifetime of shared love and all the lessons learned from our unending commitment to each other despite the human imperfections we both brought to the table.
Thanks Mom!
Keeping Your Heart Open In Hell
Even in mother/infant symbiosis, loving another means there will be pain. It happens when your beloved is suffering as well as when their behavior hurts you. To love another “unconditionally” you must learn to show up ready to listen, even when your ego is screaming “attack” or “run away.” As long as you possess the slightest bit of ego, you may be certain you will experience these moments. If your goal is to love well, then you are left with the responsibility of paying attention to the way you use your mind — changing what doesn’t work. That is reality!
No matter how powerful the initial attraction shared with a mate resulting from sexual chemistry, shared values and things in common eventually, you can be sure you’ll experience painful “moments in hell!” Even if there was no malicious intent from your significant other, in these moments your ego will begin to react defensively to protect you.
Should your buttons be pushed when you are even a little stressed or intoxicated, both the initial hurtful action of your relationship partner and the defensive reaction which erupts in you can become exaggerated.. At times like these, the mental filters that might have helped to defer such acting out, have been numbed or drugged to sleep.
Genuine love relationships – especially the “unconditional” kind – are always opportunities to work on our selves. So even moments in hell offer opportunities for positive growth. We need to recognize that:
• All our negative thinking and reactive behaviors are ignited when we do not feel safe in relationship to another.
• When we feel rejected, anticipate abandonment, feel disrespected, embarrassed or humiliated, our automatic ego defenses leap into action.
• The problem with that, is that it does not work! And, as long as we are defending ourselves, we never get to feel safe.
Fear in painful moments is natural. But the necessary choices in our thinking and behaviors during relationship conflict, are anything but. It requires awareness, courage and the ability to “STOP” and remain still in the midst of the emotional pain you are both suffering, to allow the FEAR to wash over you.
As challenging as that is it is merely the first step. You will need to revisit the painful feelings more than once, because they are grist for the mill the things you may learn and grow from.
When two people truly love one another, especially with unconditional commitment, this is not optional! As you both choose to step into the shared pain with loving compassion neither attacking or running away — you create the opportunity to know the safety, belonging and emotional intimacy” that make up extraordinary love.
“To Love Is To Give!!”
Love Gone Bad: Avoiding a Valentine’s Nightmare
Falling in love doesn’t require maturity. Babies fall in love everyday. “Falling” in love is basically about pleasure and receiving perfect mirroring – caught up in images and fantasies about the joy, excitement and pleasure another will bring into your life. It is exactly like stepping into a wonderful, delicious dream with no thoughts about ever needing to wake up.
When the chemistry is strong and you’re looking into your special other’s eyes, you feel swept away. You have an insatiable craving for their kisses, a hunger for their touch and a longing to touch them in return. Their scent can be intoxicating. These sensual experiences feel great and fuel your new relationship with energy and passion.
But unless you are aware that the pleasures of falling in love, as euphoric as they feel, are not enough to build a strong, committed and durable relationship, life’s challenges and individual issues – yours and/or your partner’s — can tear your dream apart.
It requires great courage and self awareness to step back from the waves of immediate pleasure you experience when falling in love, to consider what’s required for long term relationship success. If what you desire goes beyond the magic carpet ride of infatuation, think about your familial roots – the relationship lessons you internalized in childhood and how they are connected to your style of relating.
We are pleasure seekers and pleasure is a good thing, however nothing defines us more than the choices we make when we are afraid and in pain. It is not during waves of pleasure and passion that our love relationships develop their fiber.
Rather we come to know we are safe and can trust one another’s love in times of conflict — as we see again and again that each of us operates from lasting commitment to our own integrity and each other’s well being. Neither commitment to ourselves or our lover can be fragile or disposable if we want to experience mature love!
In building a trusting love relationship will you make mistakes? Certainly. Both of you will. Will you disappoint each other? More than once, you can be sure.
In the final analysis, will what your relationship requires be worth what you get in return? That depends on how each of you step into the heart of each important, though possibly uncomfortable, moment you share. If you do it with humility and generosity, you’ll build – or re-build a foundation for trust!
Human beings begin to grow emotionally from the moment of birth and ideally continue to mature throughout life. In early childhood this needs to be encouraged and guided by self-aware, mature parents who are committed to what is in the best interests of their children’s emotional development. Obviously this doesn’t always happen.
People whose own childhood emotional needs were not met, typically don’t recognize their need for continued personal growth until long after they are married with children of their own. Then the enormous responsibility of parenting, plus financial stress and other life challenges can be overwhelming and push people beyond their limits.
If at such times, one partner expresses the desire to work on their individual growth, it may be perceived as selfish and threatening. But in fact, individual growth is necessary in order to take good care of your marriage and parental responsibilities. Individual growth is where genuine change comes from. Taking care of your own emotional health is selfish – but it is a healthy act of self-care essential to loving another.
Please know, that if your love has gone bad — from passion to aversion, emotional isolation and loneliness – it may still be saved. If your relationship is to return to something you both feel is worth investing in again, know that it begins with two people who are ready, willing and able to look at themselves, rather than remaining lost in blame and resentment. This is critical to learning and changing whatever you are responsible for individually, in order to help change what is not working in the relationship.
As hard as it may be, do that and you will move beyond self-absorbed baby and adolescent love, to the world of adult relationships where to “To Love Is To Give!
What will you do this year to move toward mature love?
Happy Valentine’s Day.
“Children Learn What They Live”
Here is something I’ve often handed to parents. I think you may agree it is well worth reading.
If a child lives with criticism,
she/he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility,
she/he learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule,
she/he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame,
she/he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance,
she/he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement,
she/he learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise,
she/he learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness,
she/he learns justice.
If a child lives with security,
she/he learns faith.
If a child lives with approval,
she/he learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship,
she/he learns to find love in the world.
Anonymous
In a world with so much violence in real life, TV and video games, when parents individually demonstrate their willingness to look at themselves with scrupulous honesty and own what only they can be responsible for — their own attitude, style of communication and behavior – instead of remaining lost in resentment and blame and then together demonstrate mature ways of relating, their children will learn by example, how to share kind, generous and loving relationships!!
Jeffrey D. Levine
Just Give!
This morning on the show “CBS Sunday Morning” I was taken by the story of a couple whose little boy died from a rare form of cancer. They talked about their heartache and how they are coping with it. By simple acts of anonymous giving to strangers, they are honoring the generous, life-affirming spirit of their son. In the process their acts have ignited a movement in their community and beyond to do the same; giving just for the goodness in it with no expectation of reciprocity or thanks!
This leaves me thinking about how we would do well to apply the same concept of giving in our intimate, personal relationships. Often in circumstances of everyday familial conflict and pain we are far less generous, when generosity is the key to resolving such moments in a positive, growth-oriented way.
Rather than surrendering to our self-serving ego’s need to defend us from such emotional pain – an automatic reaction – we would do well to learn to overcome this primitive instinct. When we are able to courageously stop defending and really listen, we move away from anger and hate. Wisely, this is what many did in response to the senseless killings at Sandy Hook, turning instead to acts of community and giving.
This kind of choice helps us cope with our pain. In this way we behave from a place of humility and personal dignity. Put into the context of a quarrel with a spouse or child, for example, when we give that important other person the respect, understanding and consideration we want for ourselves, it eventually becomes clear that this is the way to bridge the gap that defensiveness creates. Only from this enlightened place can we celebrate our emotional riches in our private and public choices to be generous.
Want to feel really good? Next time you’re in pain, regardless of the situation or cause, open your mind, your heart and celebrate life’s greatest gift — “To Love Is To Give!”
Tragedy In Newtown
As the world of public broadcast talks about the horrific violence and loss of 20 young innocent children and 6 adults this Friday morning, I search my heart for words.
I first learned of the carnage at Sandy Hook Elementary in an email sent by a friend who is closely connected with one family whose little girl was murdered by the 20 yr. old mentally ill man named Adam Lanza.
This Sunday morning on his show Face the Nation, Bob Schieffer asked “To what depths of horror must we sink before legislation is enacted to prevent such tragedies.” He asked rhetorically, “Is this the new normal?”
Politicians are reluctant to challenge the NRA and its powerful gun lobby. And while private citizens have no real need for assault weapons, many people do want guns for hunting, recreation and self-protection in their homes.
But are we ever going to get rid of guns – no we are not. Should we make it much harder for mentally ill people to own guns – surely that makes good sense. However guns like drugs will continue to be available.
I think the first thing we need to take care of is how we help children process this. In many schools, children already experience lock-down drills for exactly such eventualities — relatively rare, but far less rare over the last couple of decades.
When 911 happened it took us all to the previously unthinkable, and yet now it occupies a less up front place in our conversations and way of life. But this tragedy speaks to a very real past, present and future truth about human life!!
What can anyone say? President Obama became so choked up by this unthinkable tragedy that he fell silent for what seemed a long time before continuing his comments. Hearts are suffering everywhere!
I think the lesson, again and again is about Love. There are of course some people so mentally ill that these words remain incomprehensible, but for the majority of us who operate from a more rational place, we must recognize the devastating impact of irrational rage!
Nothing defines us more than what we do when we are afraid and in pain. If our fears are acted out violently – if we use our pain and sense of unfairness to justify our aggression toward others, violence is an unavoidable consequence.
The media has also been speaking about what the role of the mental health profession should be in eliminating these kinds of situations. The mental health community needs to play an enormous role. We have the ability to provide greater understanding and the tools to help people move beyond the rage and other emotional pain that can lead to these rare tragedies. What’s required is far greater access to and acceptance of existing therapies.
Time To Choose
As we know various techniques, repetitive phrases and slogans, have been used since the beginning of time to both influence and control.
Of course they are employed in political elections – to influence and control the outcome. It is left for us to decipher what is factually true and who will act in our best interests.
When I am deciding whether or not and how much to trust how someone will behave beyond their words, it is my perception of their maturity and dependability I focus on. What are their values and how selfish are their motives?
Techniques used to influence and motivate — whether subliminal or direct, intended to promote another’s growth and happiness, or induce fear and thereby control — are ultimately based in character!
All of us have personal desires. However when we choose to take on responsibility for others it is morally essential we are willing and capable of behaving in their best interests, not ours. This is never the case when the means used are intended to create fear and deception.
Just as “to love is to give” – “to lead honorably, responsibly and faithfully” is to be focused on the well being of others.
My election day thoughts. 