I Love You – Keeping The Promise!
It may not be in his kiss.
Aretha Franklin sings – Does he love me? I want to know. How can I tell if he loves me so?
After speculation about whether it’s in his eyes, arms or gifts, the song concludes “It’s in his kiss!
Kisses may communicate great love and intimacy – but they can also be part of an uncommitted phase of love, when a promise has been made and is yet untested.
Get Rid of Negativity! It Only Creates Hopelessness and Despair
We all have a wish list and fantasies are fun – as long as they don’t become obsessions. From time to time you may project images of happiness onto some time in the future when your wishes come true and that may momentarily ease the pain of current struggles, but what are you doing about the present? How much time can you afford to waste on fantasies – not much I think. When life becomes painful and things seem unfair, negativity is the first thing to show up. It slips in the back door almost unnoticed, wanting to take over. Give it a chance and it will leave you feeling hopeless! Life without hope equals despair, so the negativity must go.
The language you embrace in your mind and the attitudes it produces defines the path you follow, therefore it is essential that you pay close attention to this process. Is negativity killing your life force? If the answer is yes – even maybe – the next step is figuring out how to get onto a path filled with dignity and purpose. Changing from negativity to a positive mind-set may not be easy, but it is necessary – not optional – if your life is going to work.
Set clear goals for the important aspects of your life and be persistent in working toward them. And while you’re at it, keep in mind that negativity will not help you get there. If you get lost in anger, resentment, blame and defensiveness – and these take many forms — your progress toward the success you want slows to a crawl. You will surely experience challenges and frustrating moments along the way. You may even stumble and fall from time to time, but you cannot fail if you never give up! If you have stopped progressing toward your goals, it’s time to try again.
Every now and then something catches my attention in a big way and leaves me wanting to share my thoughts. This happened a couple of days ago when I read about a young Australian man who was born with no arms and no legs. Can you imagine what that is like? But he learned to fill his life with hope and purpose. He developed the ability to do many things that initially seemed impossible. With courage, a positive mindset, commitment, perseverance and refusing to ever give up, he has not only overcome many limitations, but lives a fulfilling life as a motivational speaker. His life is also filled with much love!
The thing about hope you must know is, it is not something out there to be acquired. It is a choice you make about how you want to live your life regardless of challenges. Think about how many of the rich and famous lead toxic, unhappy and dysfunctional lives. There isn’t enough of anything on the outside to make your life complete.
But if you fill your mind with hope, passion, purpose and generous love, appreciating what you already have and continuing to move forward with consistent and never-ending commitment towards your goals, you will enjoy a fulfilled and meaningful life!!
Real Men Don’t Rape
Real Men Don't Rape
On a morning early in November 1995, I sat reading the Sunday Journal News in a Nyack coffee shop — Assault, attempted rape charged; D.A.: two men tie up, beat Rockland woman.”The words leapt off the page grabbing my attention — and wouldn’t let go!
After reading that story, I wrote to the editor who published my comments, including mental images of running through the streets, article in hand, demanding enough, enough – this has got to stop!!
But it hasn’t stopped, as we well know. According to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN), 1 of 6 U.S. women will experience rape or attempted rape in her lifetime. Shocking figures. But we’re made aware of this situation almost daily.
Case in point, I just watched another news story about Jamie Leigh-Jones, now 22, who while working for Halliburton in Bagdad, was drugged, brutally gang-raped by coworkers and when she threatened to go public, was locked in a shipping container under armed guard. Finally she was able to convince a sympathetic guard to loan her his cell phone enabling her to call her father in Texas. What’s particularly horrible here is Halliburton attempted to cover up the crime.
Only moments later I heard breaking news about the former International Monetary Fund chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn. Just as the New York case against him involving a hotel maid seems all but over, other charges by a 32 yr. old French journalist, Tristane Banon, declare he attempted to rape her in 2003 when she interviewed him for her first book.
No, rape has not stopped — maybe it never will. It is an act of aggression, born in extreme dysfunction. I cannot stay silent and now, as then, would ask the following of every emotionally conscious man: More than being kind in your own male-female relationships, take a stand and be vocal against abuse whenever the opportunity presents itself. Maybe your courage to do so will lead to another man embracing the same essential values of respect toward females of any age – everyone for that matter.
Nearly sixteen years after I wrote that outraged letter to the editor, I again implore, “If you see abuse of any kind, do not turn away or pretend it isn’t there. Name it. If you are guilty of abusing anyone, verbally or otherwise, please get help now!”
Image from jrns2003 under Creative Commons license.
A Gratitude Attitude
Gratitude
Yesterday I called my parents, 94 and 88, who live 100 miles away in South Jersey to tell them Ellie and I were going to drive down tomorrow for a visit. They just celebrated their 65th Anniversary, so I had some amazing flowers delivered for the occasion and had not heard from them – not typical. And that morning they were not answering their phone, which was malfunctioning and not allowing me to leave a message. It occurred to me they might be out somewhere enjoying the day’s excellent weather, but my father was not answering his cell phone either. Considering their age and health issues I began to have real concerns thinking “what if!”
Soon I decided I must find out if they were OK. Just before we pulled out of the driveway, I decided to call one more time. I was quite relieved when my father picked up. “We just got home,” he said. I told him we were in the car intending to take a ride down for a visit, which made them quite happy. Our original plan for the day was to go for a motorcycle ride, but it made no sense for us to change plans again. Even though the weather was perfect, the ride originally planned would be postponed until tomorrow. It was a good visit, my parents were well, the flower arrangement had arrived and was spectacular – their memories are not what they used to be – they simply failed to call and my father had forgotten to take his cell phone.
Ellie and I awakened today to the sound of rain on the roof. What about my motorcycle ride? I was really looking forward to a relaxing ride with the love of my life behind me – disappointment! Additionally, Ellie’s cell phone was not accepting a charge and like mine, it is an important tool for her work — this needed to be taken care of so several hours were consumed with this task. At moments like these, if dwelled upon, negative thoughts and unpleasant feelings can take over, ruining the day.
But wait! My parents are alive and well. Last night we went to hear some great jazz played by world class musicians, we started the day watching Sunday Morning — they had a piece on this dancing bird that had both of us laughing hysterically — we are with each other sharing abundant love, Ellie’s phone was replaced with the newest model and even though the sun didn’t come out today, tomorrow we may still get that hoped for ride in.
Life is often challenging! The more difficult a moment is, the more courage and mental discipline it takes to avoid negativity. By remembering the importance of genuine gratitude for what we already have, it is easier to maintain a positive attitude. Making this a habit — reframing negative thinking into positive language and behavior — turns stress, frustration, disappointment and even interpersonal angst into opportunities to learn, grow and celebrate the gift of life — the present — now.
Enjoy the 4th of July Fireworks and maybe make a few of your own.
Image from kateausburn under Creative Commons license.
Everyday is A Struggle
Sunday we drove into Manhattan to walk around the Crafts Show at Lincoln Center. By the time we’d seen half the show it was 2 pm. Since we hadn’t had lunch we walked across the street to P.J. Clarke’s for a salad.
As we were leaving after lunch we happened to look up and high on the wall in front of us hung a sign which read “Everyday is a struggle so we must be kind to one another.” It left me thinking about how often people forget that.
I thought about my last post, inspired by the Anthony Weiner story that has been all over the news and the ways different people commented on it. Of course his behavior was extremely immature, out of control and undignified. It instantly became a massive distraction, surely caused enormous pain for those close to him and left his political career in apparent shambles. But with no personal knowledge about him I can only speculate about his underlying issues and the pain and suffering he now lives with.
The main point I want to make is while listening to the many commenting about Weiner, how quickly the majority of them were ready with harsh judgment. People did comment about how he hurt his wife, but I heard almost no empathy for Weiner himself.
Whether one agrees he should resign immediately or that as long as he is doing his job, his personal mistakes are not just cause to force him from office is not my point. Many others throughout history, in positions of high responsibility including Presidents of The United States have engaged in immature, irresponsible and emotionally unhealthy behaviors.
I know of no “perfect” human beings and life is challenging for all of us. And yet often it takes serious emotional pain and suffering before people stop, really pay attention and seek help with their psychological, emotional and interpersonal lives. One can only speculate – how many are unkind toward others, especially when hurt, challenged, disrespected or they feel in anyway threatened?
So I thought the sentiments expressed on that sign — “Everyday is a struggle so we must be kind to one another” were worth consideration. Since everyday many of us are faced with some of life’s challenges, I think everyone of us, regardless of position, would do well to remember to be kind and respectful to each other – everyday!
Getting Your Life Under YOUR Control
Whenever public figures are involved in scandal it makes the news. For a short time, it becomes common gossip and fodder for cable TV and late night talk shows. Their dysfunctional behavior is, you can be sure, tied to unresolved emotional issues in their lives. And regardless of what public figures do or don’t do, such moments offer each of us an important opportunity!
Used wisely, they can encourage us to pause and reflect upon our own ways of thinking and behaving. They can offer a time to consider what we do with stress, disappointments, fears, anxiety, and pain. If we don’t learn to handle these emotions in positive ways, they can lead us in the wrong direction, too.
Taking periodic and scrupulously honest self-inventory is essential for anyone wanting to be responsible and mature. It is important as a guide in deciding how we use our time. Do we use it to move our lives ahead in productive directions? Or do we engage in self-destructive behavior that could have been avoided? Looking at oneself honestly is key in all loving relationships, because by definition healthy relationships require us to listen to what our intimate others say about how they experience us. If we can’t believe in that loving feedback, it is easy to behave in ways that can potentially push love away.
The good news is that in any moment you are truly ready to look at and change the less positive parts of your life, it is entirely do-able. You just have to choose to invest more time in taking care of who and what is really important to you.
Of course if it were easy to change you would have already done it. It will require more effort, discipline and commitment than you may be used to, but if you are up to the challenge, success can be yours! And you’ll love how good you’ll feel about that.
Don’t wait like Clinton, Spitzer, Woods, Weiner and many others have, until the pain and interpersonal dysfunction in your life causes catastrophic consequences. Step into your life now and change what is not working. Be proactive. Accurately identifying your problems and adjusting the ways you think and behave will let you turn things around.
Take a moment, sit down and take your own inventory. If you need help in clarifying what’s going on or figuring out how to change it, seek qualified help. Don’t waste time in regret. Don’t obsess about a future that isn’t here yet. Do take control of your life now and start making it the way you want it to be.
Image from the Flickrstream of sweet on veg, rainy day inspiration, under Creative Commons license.
The Paradox of Emotional Giving
Emotionally healthy individuals approach their relationships from the standpoint of, “What can I give to this?” The more common – and, paradoxically, less rewarding approach is, “What’s in this for me?”
Of course, in all our choices we want something. But coming from the healthy place we want to have relationships with others who share the impetus, “to give,” rather than the need to take.
It’s important, therefore to recognize the signs of the taker.
• In conversations, they don’t really listen. They’re not genuinely interested in the other’s point of view and often interrupt, especially if they do not like what they are hearing. When not interrupting, they are just waiting for the briefest pause to bring the focus back on themselves.
• They tend to be calculating and manipulative and not infrequently less than honest.
• They operate from a place of personal emptiness – like a barrel with a hole in the bottom that no amount of getting can fill up. Whatever we give such a person is never enough.
• Because they have no genuine appreciation or gratitude, all of their relationships are inevitably disappointing.
• Takers frequently indulge in grandiose cover-ups, to keep others – and themselves – from experiencing the sad, emptiness that lies within them.
Individuals who relate from a more mature, self-aware and respectful attitude think more in terms of what of themselves may be of value in the other’s life. Of course, what that takes is to experience one’s own intrinsic value.
Many people who reach the, “What can I give” place have at one time had the, “I’m empty and need filling,” feeling. These individuals have found the courage to understand the experiences that led to their sadness and to find new ways of relating.
• They’ve learned to listen with respect, empathy and a sincere desire to understand, rather than insisting on their own point of view.
• They follow through with generous, kind and compassionate behavior.
• They’ve recognized that generosity – giving – is the key to receiving! The process of giving is what begins to fill the emptiness.
The paradox: Sincere giving of our emotional selves fills our lives with richness!
Give Me Back My Covers
Lounging in bed with the love of my life this morning, sipping coffee and reading, I looked up from the book I was immersed in. Give me back my covers, you – see where my covers are. It was a sweet, love filled moment. Her warm eyes had that familiar twinkle and we both smiled with recognition and gratitude for one another. 
That left me thinking about how much pain and suffering there is in the world for those who have not learned how to transcend the pain of being emotionally distant from the significant others in their lives. I see this pain and the anxiety it engenders every day in my office. When the most essential element of human existence – belonging – has turned toxic; when there is acute separateness, the pain, fear and anxiety is devastating. And yet in spite of the devastating consequences of such isolation, many people never get help in changing. Much of the time they merely do more of the same – “I know” they say! I know!! Translation, don’t tell me anything I don’t want to hear, don’t disrespect me or think I will let you control me. I don’t trust you.
Marriages fall apart and become war zones, children grow up feeling not good enough or safe in their own homes, in corporate environments and the supermarket, people fight to get ahead and on the highways the emotionally separate, afraid and aggressively angry act out their internal suffering with an attitude of absolute entitlement – “get out of my way!!!”
The only answer to this human dilemma is found in love. Not the illusion of romantic, erotic love, which does provide a momentary escape from separateness, but open minded, open hearted committed and generous loving. Giving respect, compassion, kindness, affection and yes – the covers too – is the way.
I lifted my arms, she pulled the covers back in her direction – she was correct – they were too far over on my side of the bed and we smiled that wonderful smile only genuine and dependable love produces.
Saying “I’m sorry.”
Here are several ways you can teach your children about the importance of saying “I’m sorry.”
First: Whenever it is appropriate, parents can demonstrate what apologetic behavior looks and sounds like by apologizing to one another. If they are sincere, this also speaks to other important individual and interpersonal lessons such as respect, empathy, compassion, kindness and humility. (more…)
The Courage To Love: Ourselves & Our Children
Posted: Tuesday, January 30, 2007
The Courage To Love: Ourselves & Our Children
We learned to relate to others when we were dependent children, but now we are adults and parents who are responsible for the choices we make. If we often feel distant or frequently find ourselves in painful conflict with our spouse, children or significant others, the best way to learn the reasons for this is by looking within. Making life work is always an inside job. It is the willingness to change that can set us free. If we always do what we have always done – the future will be exactly like the past. However, if we find the courage to ask for help, even though it may be the hardest thing we have ever done, we can heal most of the relationship conflicts we currently experience. In this way, we also learn to truly embrace the forgotten beloved of our lives – the still small child within. Once we learn to do this, we are finally free to love with an open heart!
Many of us, honestly intending to guide children toward a successful life, do not realize that unless we work through our own childhood pain, we are going to pass it on, generation after generation. Isn’t it time to say “ENOUGH !”? As long as we allow fear to dictate our choices, we will continue to address relationship problems with a negative attitude. We are afraid to let go of our beliefs, even when they have not brought us what we really want, because they are familiar and the only thing we understand. (more…)